Spy Classroom

Episode 6

At this point, Spy Classroom has basically programmed a Pavlovian response in me where I reflexively reach for my phone and begin desperately scrolling for any distraction I can find whenever that little “During the Pre-Impossible Mission Training” subtitle pops up. Do you think that would be enough to form the basis for an “Emotional Damages” suit against the producers of the show?

I'm mostly kidding, at this point. While I will likely never get over how rock-stupid of a decision it was for Spy Classroom to arrange its chronology this way, the damage has been done, and I am no longer under any illusion of this anime being anything other than a slice-of-life sitcom that occasionally likes to pretend that it's a real spy story, despite clearly having no interest in being a particularly good spy story. It is a very disappointing development, to be sure, but I can't pretend that I'm surprised anymore when the series continues to indulge in all of these character-specific flashbacks to a “training” period that doesn't even seem to be all that relevant to preparing for the supposedly “impossible” mission at hand.

Though I have to admit, the more time we spend in this never-ending “Pre-Mission” purgatory, the more opportunities I have to reflect on how underwhelming the Impossible Mission would have been if we'd gone in chronological order. Think about it: The entire episode is basically just a montage of barely-explained spy “stuff” that culminates in a fight against a character that we don't give a crap about who ends up being defeated in a shockingly simple way. At the end of the day, the girls' ingenious plan was to distract a guy long enough with their random spy moves…all so a tiny girl could jump out of a bag and stab him. I'm pretty sure that one of the Austin Powers movies had a whole Mini-Me gag that is literally just that exact same setup. I can't decide what is worse: That Spy Classroom ruined any of the fun of its only real spy plot by telling the whole damned thing out of order, or if the whole damned thing is out of order because Spy Classroom knows that its spy plot is a bit shit, and it just needed the excuse to say “See! We're totally spies, here, doing spy stuff! That justifies our gimmick enough to spend the rest of the season farting around with a bunch of cutesy shenanigans, right?”

Sorry, I should probably talk about the plot of this episode now, but it's just so hard to drum up the energy to analyze an episode that is just…there. It doesn't advance the “Let's Beat Teach!” subplot that is supposedly the whole reason that the girls needed all of this time to train and bond, since Spy Classroom completely forgets about that whole angle once Sybillia and Klaus get distracted by rescuing the gang of abused street urchin thieves that they run into. It's too much of a nothing plot to be truly terrible or anything, though the closest that the episode gets to having anything exciting happen is when Sybillia drinks a poisoned juice that Klaus doesn't bother to warn her about, so you could probably argue that it's pretty dumb, all the same.

Outside of a brief prologue where the girls try to brainstorm ways to weaponize their own abuse of Lily and steal Klaus' MacGuffin of the Week, the rest of the episode is focused almost solely on Klaus and Sybillia, which I think is the biggest weakness of the story. While Sybillia's lack of pandering affectations is refreshing compared to some of the other Lamplight girls, all that really means is that she ends up being kind of bland too, which doesn't exactly make for lightning-in-a-bottle chemistry when she's paired with Klaus, the man who is literally too good at being a spy to be interesting or likeable. Admittedly, the moment where he silently scootches away before Sybillia is pranked by Lily's chili-powder bomb is the first time all season where I almost laughed at something Klaus did, so maybe that counts as a victory?

Speaking of Lily, did that random cut to credits in between Lily arriving at Sybilla's door and Sybilla getting re-dressed in the middle of the night imply that the two have some sort of bisexual tryst going on? The pair definitely seemed to be sharing some actual chemistry at the end of the episode there…though why the hell would a spy thriller comedy that stars a bevy of (mostly) buxom anime babes play coy about its girls getting it on in between missions?

You know what? I'm not going to ask too many questions. If Spy Classroom is going to give me even the smallest hint of some gay romance to spice up this otherwise agonizingly tedious slice-of-life mush, then fine. Whatever. I'll take it. You get an extra half-star this week, Spy Classroom, but that's as far as I'll go if you're just going to tease us with interesting ships for another six weeks without delivering the goods.

Rating:

Spy Classroom is currently streaming on HIDIVE.

James is a writer with many thoughts and feelings about anime and other pop-culture, which can also be found on Twitter, his blog, and his podcast.